Count Binface has published his manifesto for the Clacton byelection, and between cheaper bus fares, fairer arcade machines, and a promise never to accept £5 million from any crypto billionaires “(on Earth),” there’s also a plan to put Wayne Rooney at Eurovision, which might be the single most precisely targeted electoral offer any British political party has made all year.
The self-declared 5,900-year-old intergalactic space warrior is one of a record 34 candidates standing on 13 August, in the byelection Nigel Farage triggered by resigning as Clacton’s MP while under serious scrutiny over his finances, then immediately announcing he’d stand again for the same seat.
Labour, the Conservatives, Lib Dems and Greens have all sat this one out, leaving Farage facing a ballot stuffed with independents, minor parties and, for good measure, three separate Official Monster Raving Loony candidates. That’s left Binface as his most visible opponent, and going by this manifesto, he’s making the absolute most of it.
What Binface is actually promising Clacton
Publishing the document on X, @CountBinface called the election a “once-in-a-lifetime opportunity” and asked supporters to help him “clean up Clacton” by turning 13 August into “Bin Day.” The manifesto runs to 20 commitments, blending genuine local concerns, national political satire, and a few longstanding Binface staples.
He opens with a promise to improve the area’s “economy, prestige and fame,” alongside cutting taxes for Clacton residents specifically while raising them for everyone else. Bus fares would be capped at £1.99, a penny under the government’s incoming £2 limit, and, more urgently, a 99 Flake would finally be required to actually cost 99p.
There’s a pledge to build “at least one affordable house,” which is arguably more specific than some housing commitments from parties considerably larger than this one. He wants grabber machines in local arcades regulated so people actually stand a chance of winning something, wants drivers roaring past Clacton railway station with deliberately loud exhausts to lose their licences, and wants investment in Walton Pier to make it “just as great as Clacton Pier.” One of the more genuinely thoughtful environmental proposals reportedly came from a 10-year-old named Jack, who suggested making oil and gas companies pay for everyone’s solar panels.
Several policies are clearly, pointedly aimed at Farage
Some of this manifesto is obviously written with one specific former MP in mind. “I promise to spend more time in Clacton-on-Sea than in Washington DC, and to champion the area,” reads one pledge, a direct shot at criticism of Farage’s overseas travel and his constituency record. Farage disputes that he’s neglected Clacton and has recently posted photos and video of himself campaigning locally.
Binface also proposes barring MPs who resign mid-term from standing in the byelection they’ve just caused, a rule that would have kept Farage’s current campaign off the ballot paper entirely. A separate pledge would force any MP who defects to a different party after being elected to face a byelection of their own, which would put several current Reform MPs on notice.
Then there’s policy 15: “I will not accept £5 million gifts from crypto billionaires (on Earth).” Farage received exactly that, a £5m personal gift from Thailand-based crypto investor Christopher Harborne, before entering Parliament in 2024. Farage maintains it was personal, unconditional, and didn’t need declaring. The parliamentary investigation into whether it should have appeared on his register was paused when he resigned, and resumes if he’s re-elected. The “(on Earth)” caveat is a nice touch, keeping the door open just in case a wealthy extraterrestrial benefactor gets in touch during the campaign.
Parliament could be moving to Weeley
Elsewhere, Binface wants the Palace of Westminster temporarily replaced by a new “Bin HQ” in Weeley while the actual parliamentary estate gets restored. Potholes would be filled using spare copies of Labour’s 2024 manifesto. Cosy crime novelists could face a new windfall tax, particularly ones where there’s some question over exactly how much of the book they wrote themselves. Pluto’s demotion would go to a referendum, HS2 would be renamed “FFS1,” and Adele would be nationalised.
There are also, naturally, two entirely separate pledges about badly positioned hand-dryers, proof that Binface hasn’t drifted away from the hyper-local retail politics that’s carried his previous campaigns.
The Wayne Rooney policy
The standout, though, is number 18: making Wayne Rooney the BBC’s new expert summariser for Eurovision. This follows Rooney’s famously blunt verdict on the World Cup final’s endless half-time show, when asked live on the BBC what he thought, he simply said it was “crap” and that his favourite part was “when it finished.” A level of clarity you rarely get in football punditry, let alone Eurovision coverage.
Binface wants to go further still: representing the UK at Eurovision himself in 2027, before bringing the whole 2028 contest to Clacton. No song’s been announced yet, but presumably the campaign anthem will be fully recyclable.
How people reacted
The manifesto went down well online, with plenty of people picking out favourites. @ProfSteveKeen highlighted the pothole-filling pledge specifically. @mrsDugskullery zeroed in on the HS2 rename: “Count Binface manifesto promises to rename HS2. It will be called FFS-1.” @LaindonFEMINIST praised the local focus but had one complaint: “Setting an excellent example of the priorities of a manifesto. I’m disappointed to not see moving No 10 to Clacton though. Clearly a vote winner for local people.”
Even Polish foreign minister Radosław Sikorski weighed in, posting as @sikorskiradek: “Count Binface’s sense of humour deserves to be recognized by the @UNESCO World Heritage list.” @stuzi_pants used a clip from Open All Hours to make a wider joke about the accumulating controversies around Farage and Reform.
Satire with a genuinely serious point underneath it
Binface is a comedy candidate, and nobody’s under any illusion Britain’s actually about to nationalise Adele or hold a referendum on Pluto’s planetary status.
But the jokes work precisely because plenty of them are built on real political grievances. Weekly constituency presence, affordable housing, transport costs, local regeneration, parliamentary accountability, the influence of wealthy donors, these are all genuinely serious subjects. Wrapping them up alongside 99p Flakes and badly positioned hand-dryers doesn’t make the underlying criticism go away.
Farage remains the clear favourite to hold the seat, and a Binface win would be one of the great upsets in British electoral history. But in a campaign Farage himself designed as a public referendum on his own conduct, his satirical opponent has produced a manifesto built almost entirely around the exact questions the Reform leader would rather not be asked.
And he’s got Wayne Rooney on Eurovision. That’s not nothing.
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